Ageing Gracelessly

With advancing years, the sense of not being “ in with the times”  creeps up with increasing frequency. From music to fashion trends to gadgets, one reconciles to being “too old for it” often.  Another flank where I inevitably give up is teenage vocabulary. A bit too abbreviated and sometimes annoyingly funky. However, of late I observe women in their late 30s (or even early 40s) use words and phrases that seem to suggest they are trying a bit too hard. Lot of them are with the “simple-living-high thinking” positioning i.e. they do not carry Gucci bags or step out of sporty Audis despite being well-heeled. And yet when it comes to the Queen’s language, there seems to be a desperate attempt to sound “cool”.  

As a result, “insane” is used with no reference to sanity. A dessert can be “insane” for instance! Largely with reference to  Tarts or Souffles though and seldom Gulab Jamuns. “Eeeeeewwww” and “blehhh” are other favourites in the lexicon. You are with-it if you use them frequently and also have a nuanced understanding of when to use which of the two. I could comprehend “eeewww” fairly easily. (Though I use the more conventional “disgusting” when applicable) The exact situation in which to use “blehhh” still escapes me. But I hope to decipher it someday and hopefully do not live to see a day when I use the term.  

My limited knowledge of grammar has me believe that  something that reads “I haven’t met her for the ‘longest time’ ”  is an incorrect sentence. But the frequency of such usage has convinced me Wren & Martin is being re-written. Strangely, some people no longer aim to reach you in “15 minutes” or “half an hour”. Its invariably “see you in 15”. I can understand this on text messages (its Short Messaging Service after all). Inexplicably, mentioning “minutes” seems like  a waste of breath even in normal conversation. 

 It would be mildly unfair to say this plagues the fairer sex only (I’ll probably punch a man using “eeeewww” though). But men have their own variants. “Have a good one” tops the list. From Birthday wishes to New Year greetings to slightly obscene innuendos, this phrase crops up almost everywhere. This owes itself to shamelessly plagiarising from the Americans. Surprisingly, this phrase is used by lots of folks who are otherwise unpretentious.  In one of my ex-employers, it was considered cool to sign off an email with a mere “Best” instead of something more conventional like  “Best Regards”. This owed its origins to a CEO who was considered by many as an epitome of sophistication.  Since his other indulgences were unaffordable, this was the only attempt at flattery by imitation. To my relief, people have increasingly begun asking for the “bill” at the end of a meal instead of the pretentious “cheque” as was the fad a few years ago.   

 Some blame my seemingly  quaint mindset on the subject to my lack of exposure to American television. By that logic, I should brace for several people in the above set using chaste Hindi cuss words in the near future. After all,  movies like “Delhi Belly” and “Gangs of Wasseypur” seem to have hit bulls-eye with them.  

A@&£ hole in one

Over the last few weeks I have been bored to death by several golfers, most of whom have taken to the sport in their late 30s. Their insistence on rambling endlessly about the sport to people who have little or no interest, is annoying to say the least. The most passionate sports followers tend to be soccer fans. But even they are largely sensitive in social situations. The first thing golfers tell you in praise of their sport is the whole zen-like experience of "competing against yourself". So who do you jog against? Or lift weights against? Granted the options I mention are more physically demanding but we are discussing a Sport I thought. 80%(or maybe 90),of people on a golf course have never played any sport with any skill all their lives (this bit is India-specific). Not even the school cricket or soccer team, just for context. So naturally those with a modicum of athletic ability or ball-sense tend to excel. I once told a single- digit handicapper that he was in the top 10 per cent of players worldwide. His blush turned to immediate annoyance as I pointed out he didn't stand a chance of being in the top 50% in any other sport he dabbled in. The denominator counts. What perplexes me is a bunch of people I know religiously show up at the golf course twice or even thrice a week. Several of them "never had time" beyond work in the years that I have known them. And yet, at a professional phase when work is meant to increasingly eat into personal time, the glamour of the golf course seems to breed exemplary time management. And then we have golfing jargon. My favourite is something called " muscle memory". Apparently that's what gives you a consistent swing. So what gives you a consistent serve action in Tennis? How else did Kapil Dev bowl the same way for most of his cricketing life? But you won't hear a tennis player or cricketer mouth such gibberish. They just get on with the Sport. I have held this view for years. Some friends have dragged me to the course more than a few times. The picturesque courses and the therapeutic effect parts of a golf course have are un- deniable. But then, I better not kid myself I am playing a "sport". Maybe if and when I am not in physical shape to play a real sport, golf it shall be. Or if I have a boss who places disproportionate weightage on golfing handicap. The quality of my work seldom gets me anywhere anyway.

Unsociably Yours

For the 2nd straight weekend we watched a movie at a cinema. I have long maintained that frequency of movie watching is inversely linked to quality of social life. In our case, it certainly holds true at least since we moved to Mumbai. Must concede I am a conversation- over -loud music person. Both of us are not fans of large dos and while I do indulge in Dumb Charades, Pictionary and the like, it's not really my scene. What compounds the matter further is being in the reverse situation while in Delhi and I look for half an excuse to retreat there on every 3-day weekend.

The irony is we probably have more people we count as friends in Mumbai than any other city in the world (well I have lived all my life in India but "world" sounds cooler ). And yet I struggle to create a "group" here. It's impossible for us to invite 8 of our friends together and not worry about somebody stepping on another' s toes or or an inebriated argument escalating into something more serious.

Heterogeneity is the thing I miss most. In Delhi our circle of friends comprised lawyers, journalists, the odd bureaucrat or politician, entrepreneurs and some people from the corporate world. 90% of people we know here are associated with the financial services industry. In turn, the people they seem to know are also the same! In the former, nobody competed with one another in any form. That made for way easier evenings. The diversity of conversation topics was an added bonus.

In Delhi one made friends thru friends. One got invited basis interaction at a common friend's place. In Mumbai that seems to happen only if your kids go the same school. (we have been fortunate with one exception ). People seem to guard their social circles with Masonic zealousness.

Some of our friends have moved here from other cities. We hung out together there too. Now, conversations inevitably move to budgets for home purchase, music systems, and the like. Either I didn't notice the materialistic streak earlier (which is unlikely),or it is the M-factor at work.

Coming back to the movies, "Kahaani" is a must-watch and "Paan Singh Tomar" can be given a miss.

Smelling not-so-good Coffee

Recent elections in U.P. and Punjab have ensured regional satraps dig in their heels firmly. This growing trend is bad news for the country since we are set to witness a reinforcement in the parliamentary elections.

An alliance begins with horse-trading and most regional parties walk away with a couple of plum ministries. Since the chieftain has to be based in the kingdom, an incompetent (and often inexperienced) stooge is typically placed in the capital. This leads to a serious compromise on administrative efficiency. A DMK is content with ministries like Telecom and Shipping so that coffers could be filled. Mulayam or a Jayalalitha will probably insist on an additional portfolio like Home given their extraordinary penchant to control the law and order machinery.

Given that anti-defection laws are restricted to parties and not alliances, a coalition breeds pockets of irresponsibility. So if a matter of national import runs at cross-purposes to regional interest, there is petulant stone-walling . This has been a significant contributor to the policy-making freeze that we are currently gripped by. The intra-coalition tug-of-war that such trade union tactics cause are beginning to hit at the root of the federal system. Mamata Banerjee has converted this into an art form and her subsequent electoral success will encourage many others to follow suit. This has serious consequences for industrial growth and expediting economic reform.

Regional leaders who are in the opposition in Parliament see a sporadic need to assert themselves as first-among-equals. They often tend to pick up irrelevant issues and rabble rouse them to a point of national distraction. Naveen Patnaik's passionate opposition to the proposed terrorism prevention structure is a classic example. Here is a CM who watched quietly as Naxals systematically took control of nearly half the state. There was no administrative or political will to curb the menace. But instead of setting his house in order, his advisers goaded him to pick an issue and create enough noise to position him as a "statesman" worthy of fighting a battle that went beyond state boundaries. Nitish Kumar does the same albeit with a more nuanced style. The Govt is left with no choice but to take two steps backward lest they create a 4th (or 5th) front.

One of the primary reasons for this phenomenon is the Congress' policy of weakening any strong local leader. In doing so, they have left the royal family intact but with a vastly eroded empire. The BJP on the other hand has created a structure with multiple state-leaders all of whom are consolidating their state bases impressively. But it has left them with nobody with national stature.

Unfortunately, no easy solutions come to mind. But amidst all the noise around the need to smell the coffee with the growing strength of regional parties, it is important to be concerned about the consequences. There are hardly any positive outcomes.

A bit too "Fast"

Narendra Modi is in the news again for a series of avoidable reasons. Firstly a Supreme Court judgement which has no real legal implication and is perhaps more procedural. Modi's subsequent gesture of proceeding on a fast is uncharacteristic and incongruous with his image of a leader who puts outcome over symbolism.

But why are the Gujarat riots of 2002 so politically significant a decade from occurrence? From the looks of it, it is the only available stick to beat Modi with. It also has to do with Modi's continued relevance and electoral success. I would argue that a sole electoral loss would ensure oblivion for Godhra. Ironic but eminently possible. The BJP has a cliched retort by referring to 1984. This pitch was strangely subdued in the Narasimha Rao era. The return of the Gandhi family ensured this weapon, however rusty, was brought back into the armoury.

In the interest of political maturity though, it is important to bury 2002 and move on to more relevant issues of governance. Several leaders are guilty of the acts of omission that Modi is accused of. Each of them have created a political divide sharp enough to last a few generations. Lets leave 1984 out since its been done to death. V P Singh gave a whole new dimension to caste based politics. His contribution to societal degeneration went way beyond the Mandal agitation that is the most vivid memory of those times. It spawned a whole new regressive thought process and set the meritocracy clock back by a few decades. Narasimha Rao, however progressive, played the religion card at Ayodhya to stoke a dormant volcano. While the move backfired in the medium term, it created a flank that was existent but hitherto of little value. A whole bunch of saffron clad touts milked it for decades.

If we were to shift to the economic arena one has examples galore of unacceptable tolerance of malignant political acts. Singrur is a classic case in point of a state government pretending to be hapless when caught in a bind on vote bank versus development. This when the state is on the brink of ruin. At least 3 states are witnessing a steady, irreversible decline in their industrial fortunes owing to sheer lack of political will to take on the Maoist menace. Not only do we witness indifference to loss of lives, there is little concern at the lawless existence of a parallel government thriving through extortion.

Comparable levels of guilt across the political spectrum do not absolve Modi in case he is indeed culpable. However, it may be prudent to reconcile to a significant "downgrade" amongst the polity and plump for the "least worst". While Gujarat was always progressive, it has galloped in the last decade leaving most other developed states far behind. The government is considered decisive and "right" thinking. It is only in this term that one hears murmurs of corruption and it could well be a case of misplaced propaganda. It may not hurt to have a leader of this stature in the national arena (lack of acceptance amongst the Reality TV watching couch potatoes notwithstanding).

In my view though, Modi is jumping the gun by showing his hand a little too soon. A few more years of operating below the radar may have ensured smoother sailing in the longer run. His current gameplan of acquiring statesman status through "sadbhavna" will ensure intra-party knives get sharpened before time. He needs a year or so of judicial calm before attempting to shed the hawk image that he wears comfortably (to a point of being scary).

This isn't about Cricket

In a few hours from now, the verdict on presidency of the Mumbai Cricket Association shall be pronounced. A prominent politician is pitted against a cricketing legend. Over the last several months there has been much clamour for sportspersons to run sports bodies. This is misplaced and owes itself to the standard loathing for all things "sarkari" as opposed to any serious logic.

Indian cricket owes its current importance in the ICC to the likes of Jagmohan Dalmiya , an astute administrator but certainly not the world's best known cricketer. His absence of a cricketing track record was no impediment to his accomplishment as a sports administrator. And each time one is tempted to delve into corruption around sale of TV rights, IPL teams, CWG et al, think Match Fixing, Ball Tampering or even "the Hand of God". In an ideal world sportsmen are meant to uphold the values of fairplay and integrity. But bring in the dimension of commerce and they are often no different from politicians, bureaucrats or any other tribe the world loves to hate.

Internationally there are enough and more examples of successful sports federations like FIFA and International Olympic Association that are run by administrators with little or no sporting achievement. Some of these associations have often been the hegemony of a powerful personality for decades but rarely has the cause suffered. Wimbledon is organised with remarkable efficiency each year without Bjorn Borg or Pete Sampras being at the helm. There is no reason why Indian sport should be any different.

This applies to dimensions of sport apart from administration. Coaching and Commentary come immediately to mind. While we have some successful sportsmen excelling at both, there are enough and more examples to the contrary. For every Ravi Shastri and Geoffrey Boycott, we have a Harsha Bhogle or Henry Blofeld. These specialist commentrators have played cricket at some level but they shall seldom be referred to as "former cricketers".

Lastly, where shall Mohammed Azharuddin fit? Cricketer, Politician, Match-fixer or All of the above" ???

Bye Bye Ramdev?

While the jury is out on the political wisdom behind the abrupt and "forcible" end to Baba Ramdev's Ramlila Maidan farce, the Government deserves to be commended for acting courageously for once.

Firstly, the egg on the PM's face with Anna Hazare's well-timed populist maneuver is still fresh in public memory. To bend again would plumet the Prime Minister's Office to irrversible indignity. Hence, after the initial attempts at conciliation firm measures were called for.

A larger threat is to the roots of our democratic foundation. There is a defined process to represent the voice of the people. If anyone with a fan following is permitted to drive a policy or two through ransom, it shall prove debilitating. The odd yoga teacher, film star or even cricketer ought to restrict themselves to their chosen line of work. Alternatively, they ought to formally plunge into the political process. Currently, the Baba Ramdevs of the world are leveraging their cult following whilst escaping the cynicism that is reserved for those who officially don Khadi.

The question that shall be asked (albeit hypothetically) is the government's possible response to a similar call by a minority leader. Frankly, that shall be the true test of the PM's intent. The current act could either be the first signs of a firm fist. Alternatively, it could merely be an attempt to scuttle a possible saffron resurgence. Despite my not-so-complimentary views about the current ministry, it seems largely like the former to me. In any case, it doesnt seem like this show is over yet.